Drowning In Fresh Air

We live our lives with poker faces concealing what is deep down inside. Just because a person smiles all the time doesn't mean they are happy. A happy exterior does not equate to a happy interior. In United States an estimated 38,364 people commit suicide in a year, and of those middle aged men make up 27% of the suicide rate. I believe a lot of suicides could be prevented if we as people get over the fear of seeing a therapist. Actually I won't even say its a fear its stigma. People equate therapist with being crazy but in all actuality, everyone even kids need therapy from time to time. It's a very healthy practice.

I can speak from experience that depression is a very serious thing. I have dealt with serious bouts of depression on numerous occasions in my life. Sometimes you can tell something is wrong with me and other times you can't because I have learned how to mask a lot of my emotions. I remember times where I wanted to commit suicide, one time in particular stands out. I was visiting Philly in August of last year and I was walking, and a lot was on my mind. Most of it had to do with feeling alone in the world, although I'm connected to thousands of people I can name only a few true good friends who are really in my corner. I was in Camden and I was about to walk over to Philly, so I started walking across the Benjamin Franklin Bridge. The view was amazing although my mind was so clouded and all I could think about was if I were to jump off this bridge would anyone really care? And would the world just keep on moving like nothing even happened? I was at a certain point on the bridge and I just sat down and started crying, and in my mind I could see myself climbing onto the railing, looking around and just letting my grip of my feet go and falling straight into the chilly water below. It just kept going through my head as I sat there balling. Luckily someone was texting me while I was sitting there and they called me and talked to me and calmed me down. I continued to talk to him until I made it across the bridge. I still had tears running down my face but his voice and his words soothed my soul. Just imagine if I would have jumped I would not be here writing this right now and so many other things wouldn't have been able to happen, but I didn't and I'm still here surviving.

Don't allow others stereotypes of what therapy is to influence you away from getting seen or talking to someone. You never know what could really be going on inside, although we are good judges of our own character. Yet we still need outside help as well. Depression is a normal human emotion that can pop up at anytime but don't allow your self to stay in that state. Talk about it. Don't bottle it up it's very unhealthy and can cause so many other issues within our bodies. We would never know until we talk it out with a therapist if something that happened to you as a child may be still haunting you as an adult and it's why you act certain ways around people. Or maybe you are chronically depressed and think ohh it's just a phase. You never know but it's better to know then stay in the dark.

If more people seeked treatment or therapy I think a lot of suicide cases would not be happening. People just want to be heard and sometimes individuals feel like they have no one to talk to. When you feel totally alone in the world you want to retreat and disappear off the world and sometimes individuals take that into their own hands. I remember one of my Morehouse brothers who I didn't know directly but had conversed with him a few times on Facebook committed suicide. He was very popular across the campus and despite his popularity he dealt with many issues from his upbringing that lead him to feel powerless when his bills became overwhelming. He was facing eviction when he lost his job, his lights were going to be turned off and he couldn't take it anymore. If only he talked to someone, or someone was in his corner he could have still been here today rather than being an angel looking down upon us.

I implore everyone to just see a therapist once, I promise you that your experience will outweigh any doubt that you may have had before about therapy. I don't want to see any of you losing your life by your own hands. But I also must say I don't want to turn out to be the same, that's why from time to time I do see a therapist. At the beginning of this blog I mentioned about a smile on the outside does not equate to being happy. It's the story of my life but what really grounds me is thinking of my grandmother in heaven looking down, and I say would she approve of me doing this. Everyone should find that one thing that can pull you out of the deep end. As the title says sometimes you can drown in fresh air especially if you don't find your own life preserver. Move beyond fear and just try to break down your walls. Sometimes we build walls so high we can't even conquer them. Don't let that wall shut you out of world at hand. There are people out there paid to help you. Seek assistance, help is just one phone call away.

If you ever, or you have a friend who ever has thought of contemplating suicide, PLEASE have them call 800-273-8255. The life you save might just be your own.

I Am A Man

"I Am A Man. Be A Man. Act Like A Man. Stop Crying like a Bitch And Be A Man. Real Men Don't Cry." As a man, and specifically as a black gay man I have heard all these phrases used throughout my life. However, what is the definition of being a man and who created it? Why is it different between each culture, race, and creed? If a man and a woman are polar opposites shouldn't there be only one definition? These questions are important to think about, although the concepts do more harm then good.

I watched a YouTube video where a young black boy was getting his immunizations and his father kept saying "repeat after me, I am a man, don't cry, say it I am a man". All this being said as the nurse gives each arm a few different shots and the boys eyes are welling up with tears, and you can see he is trying to hold them back because his father continues to say "Be A man, don't cry". Although to some this video looks cute or adorable, but the message is powerful and yet dangerous. This video perpetuates that men have to be statuesque creatures that dont show emotion, dont flinch at pain, and oblivious to all situations. But this is not true at all and we set up ourselves for failure when we try to live by this.

Again, what is a man? The black church says "it's a man who lives in the word and pays his tithes, and doesn't act out in the flesh." Black culture says "you are strong, you are masculine, you don't cry or show weakness, committed to your family, you are not a sissy or a punk." So with that being said to you everyday by men and women as we grow up to be the men that we are, what damage or mind state does that place us in? Especially if we don't fit in this narrow box that our community places us in. I can speak for myself and say it taught me to hate myself, deny my hearts pursuits, it made me change who I was to please everyone else even though I wasn't fulfilled. If I feel this way and I fit in I guess to the normal guy role, then how do you think a man who is totally comfortable wearing heels feels or the guy that dresses in drag feels, or the trans man feels? Am I A Man?

The concept of I Am A Man came from the idea from slavery when individuals of power would call black men boy, this was a clarion call to rise above the term and Ask am I not a man and a brother? Then as we faced a different type of power struggle through Jim Crow as protestors at the Memphis Sanitation strikes used this same phrase but changed it to say "I Am A Man" meaning I am more than your servant, more than a boy, I have rights just like everyone else. But when this happened they didn't mean it to be used to put anyone down, it was used to lift Black Men up to the powerful Kings they should be. But now "I Am A Man" has been perverted and turned into something used to put anyone down who doesn't fit into the cookie cutter frame of what a narrow portion of society deems a man should be. 

We teach our kids to be a man but never fully describe what that means? Does it mean to be like our fathers? If so how can we do that when per capita black families usually exist with out a father figure in the equation! Our black men are locked behind bars, shot in the street for being black or walking while black, driving while black, or killing our own. Is this what a man is defined as? A thug, convict,  hustler, baby's daddy instead of a father, dead beat dad, etc! What kind of example is that? When you type black man in a Google picture search you get pictures of multiple black men but pay close attention that right under your search also notates another related search "angry black men". Why does black man and angry black man have to be related? Is this what we are teaching kids a man should be ? 

When I think of a man, he is multi dimensional and made up of many other titles such as brother, friend, lover, teacher, beautiful, strong, independent, masculine, feminine, quiet, courageous, meek, nurturing, loved, king, powerful! Those titles and descriptions describe a variety of people because a man is a complex being and shouldn't be subjugated to a small minute definition. A man who wears heels by society is an outcast, they are looked down upon yet these men are the strongest because they know who they are and are courageous enough to be themselves 100% despite everyone else's opinions. It's said to be weak to cry, yet every human has emotions and if we don't let them out we end up having heart attacks, high blood pressure, mental disorders, and can even lead to suicide. Why go through that when being a man really means to be strong in who ever you are, a tear doesn't make you weak, but being fake to please others is what really makes you weak. 

You see a man in a dress that doesn't mean they want to be a woman, it could be that's how they chose to represent themselves or maybe they like drag, either way that does not make them any less of a man. Because it takes a lot of strength to challenge what society creates as the norm. When a trans man tell you they are a man accept them for who they are, not what you want them to be. Just because you don't understand something don't judge someone and put them into your own box of understanding, ask them and educate yourself. I feel a lot of society's issues around anything is a lack of education. Imstead of asking a question, we tend to jump immediately to hating something. We rely on others words to lead us but can't question and find out things for ourselves. 

I am a man, I might wear makeup tomorrow, or cry in public thursday, but that does not negate at the end of the day that I am a man. No matter what narrow minded view you may have of a man, think beyond your box. Courage is not about being strong it's about being resilient when there is strong opposition against you. Be the man you want to be, and not the man society expects you to be. We miss out on so many opportunities because we try to be the men everyone else wants us to be not realizing our true gift in life. Continue realizing you are a man and inside of you are so many roles, definitions and titles. Don't allow yourself to be locked into one little box. You are bigger than the box, and the box could never hold all of you inside it for even one second. Say "I Am A Man"! And know a man is far greater than any Herero normative definition. Be you and continue to be Great!