Day 15: the day that never was (PrEP)

So, yes I disappeared for a few days for a good reason. I feel that I don't need to get on here everyday and say the same thing. But today was different. I finished off 14 days on the pill on yesterday. However, I slipped off the wagon. I had every intention to take that lil blue pill call PrEP however I let my outside circumstances take the best of me. Today I was super busy getting prepped for an event at Coney Island in August that I didn't get a chance to eat. Not because I didn't have the opportunity to eat, but I didn't have the funds to purchase that high priced stuff out there. I didn't leave there till four and took us till after six to get back to Harlem. Then took me til 9 to get home to finally eat. But by then I felt it was too late to take it. So yes, I fucked up and I didn't keep my momentum going.

But the best part about messing up is you can start all over and make it right the next time. Learn from your experiences and don't let them get you down. I have got breakfast foods now so I can take the pill everyone morning with breakfast as a way of not having this happen again. It will also get me in the routine of actually eating every morning again. I stopped this back a while ago when my money started decreasing. But I won't let it continue. I won't allow anything or anyone to stop me.  I think this pill has helped me get a little structure back in my life.

Yes I missed the pill but there's still enough of the drug in my system to protect me. Plus, I'll be back on it tomorrow, so don't you worry I'll be alright. Have any of you on it currently skipped a day or two here and there? How did it make you feel. I'm not going to let it effect me I'm just going to keep it moving. We all make mistakes. Well anyway goodnight all. Keep the comments and shares coming.

Day 10 & 11: Exhaustion gets the best of us

Hey everybody,
I apologize I disappeared for a day but my body was not up to doing anything once I got home last night. I worked fourteen hours straight and my body felt drained and depleted. But one thing I can say is I ate dinner and then took my pill. I took it around 4 pm which I am realizing I really need to set a standard time when I will take this medicine so it's more routine. I had no side effects yesterday other than a slight cramp that went away. Overall, I still have had no problems with taking PrEP. Maybe I was meant to take it since it doesn't really effect me. I had worst side effects on my first hyper tension medicine. That medicine made me feel exhausted, couldn't walk more than a block before I was gasping for air, headaches, dizziness and stomach aches. So I know all about side effects but PrEP hasn't been like that. I pray it stays that way because I know it's not like that for everyone.

So the reason why why day 10 was so long for me was because I had to work in the office for part of the day, then had to attend the beginning of the Latex Ball. My fear is always about whether the side effects will kick in while I'm in public. But again I haven't had that problem yet. Phew. So today was Day 11 and I arrived in Philly, went straight to breakfast, so for once I took PrEP for lunch at noon. I was proud of myself. The app Every Dose, Every Day also reminded me at 11 am that it was time to take the pill. I'm liking that app, you can even set up a buddy with it to also remind you. I think adherence is a day by day thing that you personally have to figure out what works best for you. Today, I have felt great, no side effects whatsoever. I won't lie the more I take it I get a little gasier lol but thats bout it. Nothing too major.

This is my 11th day on this med and yet I will be honest I still haven't done anything sexual since taking it. And I'm in no rush to do anything sexual with anyone. It definitely does not mean my sexual urges have went away, just I don't want to rush into sex. I feel too many people are in things for sex and not to get to know anyone anymore. I'm not really down for that. Get to know me before you go asking dick sizes, or am I a top or bottom, or do I wanna meet up at 1 am... Nah bruh you got me mixed up. Let's move beyond this. but one great way if you plan to do such activities is PrEP, but don't use it as a crutch to go out to do anything and everything. Everything comes at a cost whether you pay it now or later. I'm trying to take things one day at a time and not rush anything whatsoever. Hopefully, people understand the method to my madness. But one thing I know, my body will definitely be protected from HIV when I'm ready to do something sexual. Who knows when that'll be. But it will happen and I will be ready.

I love when people are honest about their status; as well as honest with their use of PrEP. I think it shows maturity as well as determination to do the right thing for themselves. That's very commendable. As long as you keep up your health you will always be alright with me. So keep up the good work folk and I shall say goodnight to you all until tomorrow. Smooches

Day 9: Getting forgetful.....PrEP Journey

antone have those days when you are super busy and you mean to do things but they just slip your mind.  Well missing a pill is not something you should forget. But I sure almost did it.  I purposely took my lunch at noon thinking ohhh I can eat then take my pill and keep it moving. I was wrong I got tied up eating and working and almost running late to a meeting. By time everything was over it was 5 pm before I took my pill. Five hours later, smh and I had almost forgot. I made this commitment to myself so I need to follow it strictly..

So to help me in this quest I found a new app called Every dose, every day. It was created by the CDC (Centers for Disease Control) and it allows you to put in your medications, pharmacy and doctors info and it'll remind you when to take your pill, when its time to refill, and even your doctors appointments. It's great to have a reminder everyday to tell you take that pill or pills. I know I sure need it. It's on Android and iPhones, check it out it's free.

Today is another day with no side effects. I guess I'm lucky cause some of my other friends side effects weren't cute.  I guess everyone's body reacts differently.  For all my hiv negative people I suggest you try PrEP, it's not bad at all and it helps protect you.  I love how I go different places and I run into friends and the first question out there mouth is how is the PrEP thing going, I'm guessing they want to hear something bad. Lol. But it's not bad at all. It's great actually 😀 so we shall see what tomorrow holds.  Well all, goodnight and get some rest.

Please share this with a friend. 😀😃😀😀😀

Day 8: This is a big pill

Good evening everyone, today is day 8 which means I successfully made it through my first week. This PrEP thing isn't all that bad. But I will say as I took the pill today, I may keep saying the lil blue pill but it really isn't all that lil if you are not used to taking pills. I know that before I got into my bad car accident in 1999 I was never able to swallow a large pill. But after that I've really had no problem. I dunno what the difference is between the before and the after but it worked. Lol it's not a horse pill lol but it's big enough.

I switched up my routine and Are subway for breakfast followed by taking my pill. I had a slight stomach ache after but I was fine the rest of the day. I will admit I've been really tired lately. I dunno if thats from the pill, work or stress or maybe all combined. But I don't think I can blame that on the lil or big blue pill. I just wonder, what would the world be like if HOV or any chronic disease just disappeared and we didn't have to take pills no more. Things would be so much better. But now we take pills to prevent one thing while causing other issues that we may need to take a pill for. Ever since I been on PrEP I vowed that any side effect I have, that I would not take another pill to solve it. So when I got my headache I didn't take any aspirin, when I had stomach cramps or stomach aches I didn't take anything for it. I just can't see myself taking a pill to counteract a pill. That's a lil much.

I'm just reflecting that I can't believe I explained what PrEP was and the fact that I'm taking it to my class on Tuesday. I see I'm growing a tough skin. You need that in this community to survive. So since I'm taking PrEP, I wanna challenge those who haven't been tested ever or scared to test, or haven't been tested in a while, to go get tested. You can find a free site at hivtest.org. And for those individuals who are positive, please get into care and take care of yourselves. I want to see everyone live a long life but that begins by knowing yourself and taking care of your temple. Don't let it turn to ruins.

I respect myself enough that I know what I will and won't do. I also know what I want to do, so when I made a decision to get on PrEP I knew what and why I was getting myself into taking it. But just know you must think hard, is this right for you? If yes, make it happen and stop giving excuses. As I was taught "excuses are tools of the incompetent which build monuments of nothingness . Those who dwell in them are seldom good at anything. It is better to remain silent and thought a fool, rather than open your mouth and remove all doubt."

So I say that, to urge you to stop making excuses and start making wise decisions how you will protect your temple and take care of it. Love Y'all, goodnight

Day 7: The Big Day

wowwww..... It's been a week. I'm proud of myself. I made it through my first seven days on PrEP. I did as I now routinely do. Got some lunch, took my pill and kept it going. I will admit after the pill I felt a tad gaseous but otherwise I was good. So I've been getting numerous questions on how it feels taking the pill. Being honest it isn't a big change in my life. Other then I know I must eat before it or I'll get sick.. All those scary side effects they say you may get. Don't believe the hype it's not that bad.. But I guess that's speaking on my behalf.. It really hasn't effected me in a bad way.

I wish I could see the anatomy of my body to see what has changed and how this will protect me from HIV. But I believe the clinical trials. I'm also happy to know I'll be attending a PrEP summit in DC in September. So it'll further expand my knowledge on PrEP as well if times come for it I can share my story. I wish there was something like this a long time ago so many people who are currently his positive wouldn't have even been exposed. But that's not the case.

But now I ask myself why aren't more people on PrEP? Do they think it's expensive? Do they even know about it? Are they scared of the side effects? What's really up? I can say I was scared to get on it, and I talked big shut bout how I was going to get on it and never did till seven days ago. I was worried about the price too, but if you have insurance, it will pay for it and then you can get the drug assistance program through Gilead which will pay your co pays, so you'll get this expensive drug for free. As I said no real serious side effects... so what's stopping you from trying it.. What do you have to lose.

I've found a solution that works for me, now you need to find your solution.goodnight everyone

Day 6: Caught me slippin

Good evening everybody. So someone asked me what day is this as I sat in class, and of course today is day 6.  Wow, it's one day away from being a week on PrEP. All I can say is, it's not bad as I thought it would be. I won't lie as the title says I was kinda slipping today. Didn't really have money for lunch and didn't want to take it on an empty stomach. So I was just going to skip this dose because I was not trying to have those stomach cramps again. That was truly annoying, I don't see how you women go through that once a month.... Ugh it's the worst lol

So has it been worth it so far? I dunno yet. I will say either way it has encouraged me to eat more, be conscientious about taking it, and it has me being very strict on writing every day.. I am liking this discipline. Now if I could get that discipline in other areas of my life I'd be alright. Namely getting this body in shape. I hate being the person on the beach with shorts and a t shirt on while everyone is half naked, if not totally naked. But anyway back to the pill.

As I've mentioned in my other entries that there are numerous reasons I want to take this pill. I van be real honest when I started in this lifestyle I used condoms almost always. If not always. But the longer ive been in the scene the more I have come despise them.. Maybe it reminds me of work and I don't wanna think about work on my off time. Maybe I created some phobia about them in my head over time. But either way it goes. I don't necessarily like them. You can call me whatever you want but I could give two fucks about it. Because at the end of the day I do what's best for me and if you not feeding, fucking with me, or financing I could care less about what you think of me. But I will say shyt feels better without the condoms but I would never recommend any have sex without them because it's too much shyt out there you can catch nowadays. But right now I'm doing what I gotta do to protect me. I'd rather take that pill everyday then worry if that lil slip up cause me to catch hiv, which could have been easily avoided.

I won't say I have never been a thot, but I won't say that's my every day motive. But I have been single for a long time so I have my thot like behaviors that manifest themselves from time to time. This is another barrier for those situations.  Better safe then sorry. Yes day seven is tomorrow and after seven days there should be enough of a presence of the medicine to protect me. But that doesn't mean that season is about to start. But when the time feels right I'm going to go in and that person better be ready. Lol

I dunno why though that everyone thinks that if you get on PrEP you gonna be permiscuous. It just means you wanna protect yourself.. Simple as that, and that's what I'm doing. So any other questions about why I'm on PrEP? I'm ready for them. Until then, Goodnight all.

Day 5: lunch time with the blue pill

Good late evening or goodnight. Whatever you wanna call it. So today is day five on the lil blue pill aka PrEP bka Truvada. So I woke up feeling much better than I felt last night and I thought about do I really wanna take this pill this morning? I decided nah I'll listen to one of my friends who says he takes it during lunch. So I did my normal, went to little Caesars and got my hot n ready cheese and devoured it. Then I popped the pill. I went through my day with not one side effect at all. It was marvelous. So I think from now on I will use that method. Have lunch, then take the pill.

I'm excited I'm approaching my first week on it and it hasn't been bad at all. I mean if PrEP is an option for you, just do it. I received my Gilead co past card today. So I never have to pay for my prescription. It's worth it. I can't lie I hate condoms but I use them cause I have to. But this gives me alternatives. Trust and believe I love sex like the next person but this isn't giving me this carte Blanche to go out fucking the city. This pill helps to prevent hiv but not sti's. Remember that. But at least I can be authentic during sex. The last person I was in an intimate relationship I knew from day one I hate condoms. He suggested PrEP then but I didn't move on it that fast. But now I'm here and I'm on it and I feel great.

So tell me your stories about why you wanna use prep? I'd love to hear them. Or tell me your reasons why you are currently on it.

Day 4: Blues on the blue pill

Good evening everyone,
So today is my fourth day on PrEP. I can't lie I was hella lazy today. I woke up at 11:30 am, didn't get anything accomplished other than cleaning my apartment and shaving my face.  I was a slacker and didn't take my pill til 5 pm without food again.  Now the bottle clearly states you can take it without food but the lady at the pharmacy suggested to eat first.  From now on I'm going to listen. I feel miserable right now. My stomach has been cramping ever since I took it. I laid in a hot bath thinking making the hot water would south it. I ate and still no relief. I just literally feel miserable. On a normal night I would stay up till around 1 am. But tonight I am planning to be asleep by 11:30 pm. I don't want this feeling again, and this was what I was scared of before I started taking this pill.

I consulted with my friends and most take it with food. Some take it during lunch, others take it before going to sleep, and then others take it in the morning.  So I have to find out what's best for me now. I just know this stomach crMp thing can't happen anymore. But I will say I thank goodness I haven't experienced the diarrhea or nausea side effects. Phew, knock on wood. But I hope that all will be much better tomorrow. I believe on days like this it makes me question is it worth taking this lil blue pill. But at the end I think yes.

I appreciate all the questions I get on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. It just shows you're paying attention and you're curious about PrEP. I hope I can be some service to you. Feel free to reach out to me as a sounding board. But until next time I'm outtie. Night night

My Journey with PrEP: Day 3: On the lil blue pill

My Journey with PrEP: Day 3: On the lil blue pill: Good evening everyone, so today was my third day on PrEP.  I woke up at around 12:30 pm feeling lazy as hell. But I made a promise I had to ...

Day 3: On the lil blue pill

Good evening everyone, so today was my third day on PrEP.  I woke up at around 12:30 pm feeling lazy as hell. But I made a promise I had to keep today, so I hurriedly jumped in the shower, got dressed and took my pill. Btw, that pic I posted of me taking the pill looked horrendous, but anyways lol. Usually I would eat before it, but not today I was in a rush plus there wasn't anything to munch on in the house other than twizzlers.... Yummy lol. I got into Manhattan and as usual I felt a lil dizzy but otherwise fine. I stood waiting for my friend to arrive, but while I did I kept getting questions about since I'm on PrEP am I going to start having sex once day seven hits. Being honest probably not. Just because I'm on PrEP doesn't mean I'm going to change my sexual habits or become promiscuous. If you didn't know it takes seven days for the drug to build up enough resistance in your body to fight off HIV. I'm only on day 3.  So no, on day 7 I'm not going to be prowling on Jack'd to find a date lol.

As I'm walking along Battery Park with my friend we talked about what made me chose to get on PrEP. I'm noticing a pattern with myself, I'm letting everyone know I'm on it so there is no question why I have an HIV medication in my house. Although I'm not taking it for treatment of HIV. Sometimes I think do I really need to divulge that but why not it can't hurt me, only can be a teaching moment. He asked why I don't take it at night, I really have no reason other than my doctor and the pharmacist said take it when I wake up.. So I just followed their advice because they know more than I do, lol.

So, when I was approved for PrEP I was told I couldn't pick it up that day because my insurance provider needed authorization or something. So then I got a call back three days later saying I could come pick it up. So today I get a letter from my insurance saying they denied me from getting the prescription. So now I'm all confused which it is, was I approved or not approved cause I sure enough have the medication now. Make sure you are very clear with your insurance on what they will or won't cover. That's my lil lesson for today.

Anyway, day three is done and I feel like I normally do. Why I was soooo scared to take this before, I dunno. Because I don't feel any different. But just know I surely know that this medicine can be toxic to the liver and kidneys, so I will be making sure to make regular visits to the doctor.. I'm definitely not one of the black folks who are scared of going into the doctor. If I start sneezing I'm running to the doctor. I believe if I paid all this money for insurance, I'm using it. 😀

Goodnight All.... Stay tuned for my entry tomorrow

Day 2: Questioning the pill

So day two has come and gone. It felt like any normal day other than I started eating breakfast everyday because I'm taking the pill. That's abnormal for me because I'm always in a rush in the morning. Well I got to work, ran to Dunkin Donuts which I despise and grabbed breakfast. Then I grabbed the lil white bottle with the blue pills in it and took my PrEP for the day.

Just like yesterday I had a slight dizziness and today also had a lil headache a few hours after taking it but otherwise I was good. Again another day with no nausea or diarrhea issues. Woosah. Thank goodness. Nothing like being in the streets of NYC and one of those issues hit you lol. Literally you'll be Shit outta luck. Lol.

So the hype of me being on PrEP went down, but I won't lie I did get a lot of questions about it last night and today which is great. I love to educate people about things. But it took a few people today to make me question why am I on PrEP right this second. As I walked along the Hudson River tonight on a date, he asked me why am I on PrEP. He then asked have you been really sexually active or plan to be soon. I said no. Then he says so why are you messing up your body taking something you don't need right this minute. He said when that time comes then you should take it but why waste it and do damage to your body if you don't have to. It truly had me questioning my motives behind taking this drug.

I really want to hear from people who have been on PrEP for a while and see what keeps you on it.. What's your purpose for taking it?

I'm going to continue to take it for now since it hasn't bothered me that bad as far as side effects but I won't lie my mind is racing now. I'm thinking back to all the times I possibly could have gotten infected but the grace of God didn't allow it. Cause I've done some dumb shyt in the past before. I'm thinking part of my saving grace is being a top. Doing the penetrating lessens your risk but does not at all get rid of the risk totally. I just wish there truly was a vaccine or some shot that was fda approved to protect you from HIV. I know they are doing trials on the above stated things but I wish they would hurry up.  I don't mind taking the pill but he had a point, every time I pop that pill I'm doing harm to my body to protect myself from something I'm not doing.  Go figure.

Stayed tuned for my day three journal tomorrow......

What is your opinion on PrEP? And what do you know about it. I'd love to hear your answers.

Day 1: Me and the little blue pill

Soo today was the day I been thinking about for a long azz time. It's my first day on PrEP. I won't even lie, since last night I was scared shitless about actually taking the pill today. I was so paranoid when I woke up that I did a special prayer this morning asking God please let me get through this day with no side effects. I know that's a crazy thing to pray for but I just didn't want to get nauseous from taking this pill. I was also scared what if the side effects kick in while I'm on the train headed to work. So instead of taking it at home before I went to work, I decided to bring it with me to work.

I was told if you normally get nauseous when you take medicine you should take this medicine with food, but if not you can take it without food. Either way it works.. Well I tried to air on the side of good reason so I ate a foot long sub at subway before I took the medicine this morning.

Then the big moment came.... I got some water, opened the bottle and popped that one lil blue pill into my hand. Soooo many things were going through my head, like if this medicine gives me diarrhea please let it happen before the staff come in. I didn't want them to hear me blowing up the bathroom.. Next oh lord please don't let me get nauseous. I was wayyyyy overthinking. So I literally looked at that pill for ten minutes sitting patiently in my outstretched hand. Then I finally popped it into my mouth and drank it down with a full cup of water.

I was just waiting for a side effect to kick in. But guess what?!? No side effects at all, other than I got a tad dizzy for maybe thirty minutes. That was it. When I say I was shocked. I was truly shocked. I actually felt better today, than yesterday. And yesterday I didn't take anything. All that was in the back of my mind was, I hope every day is like this on this pill. The only thing I did notice is I had to pee a lot today. But I think that was partly cause my body is doing its natural detoxing thing. But we shall see tomorrow.

Soo I do have to mention that I'm very happy I did share the moment I had the pill in my hand this morning on Facebook. The discussions that were had, were absolutely amazing. Everyone was respectful and I feel it opened some doors for some people and also helped me identify others who are on this journey with me. Now I know who to turn to when I have questions. That truly made my day. I tried to make sure I responded to everyone as well because if I'm going to be visible about this, it's important to be there when someone has questions. As Audre Lorde said "your silence will not protect you." So speak up, educate others and don't allow someone's naïveté on a subject stop you from educating them in a nice manner. Because we all can learn from each other.

Well now it's time for bed..... So stay tuned for my blog tomorrow after day two on that lil blue pill. If you ever have questions feel free to ask away. That's what I'm here for. Goodnight and sweet dreams..........

My Journey toward PrEP

So at 5:57 pm on July 15th, 2015 my life took a change. Whether for the better or worse is yet to be determined. I was greeted very kindly as I walked up to the Pharmacy at AHF (AIDS Healthcare Foundation). I received a little brown bag with something inside of it that possibly will change my whole concept of safer sex. PrEP. Pre exposure Prophylaxis for those who don't know what PrEP is. It's a drug called Truvada that you take once a day to lower your chance of catching HIV. It was approved in 2012 after the iPrex trial concluded. For those who have heard of Truvada, you may know it as a drug that is used to treat HIV as well, but with a combination of two other drugs.

 So why is this little bag going to change my life. Well for starters; where will I place this bottle of medicine? Everyone knows people are nosey now a days and they'll pretend to go to the bathroom in efforts to go through your cabinets to see what medicine you taking. Sounds immature but it happens all the time because people are too afraid to just ask simple questions. Like are you HIV + or -? When did you last get an HIV test and STI test? It's not that hard, but instead people rather be sneaky. So now I have to cleverly place this bottle in my house and remember to take it every day. Or would it just be easier to let people know up front I take PrEP so they don't have to explore? Hmmm questions.

Next, I'm thinking I'm scared of the side effects. If anyone knows me, they know I'm deadly afraid of vomiting. If I do I rush to the hospital because I rarely ever do it. Then to think this medicine could cause nausea, I'm like bruhh really?!? Possible headaches, diarrhea, dizziness, and skin rash. Don't you just love hearing about the side effects. Now my mind is racing, is it worth taking this blue pill. Well tomorrow morning I'm going to find out.

So you may be asking yourself, why is he taking PrEP? Doesn't he work for an agency that teaches Prevention? Isn't PrEP for highly active sexual individuals or Thots? To answer all of your questions; yes I work for an agency who teaches prevention in ALL forms. No, you don't need to be a thot to take this drug, and no it doesn't mean I want to be promiscuous. I'm taking it because I'm not going to lie I don't always wear condoms, and yes sometimes I do enjoy raw sex. Literally, human beings have had sex without condoms for thousands of years and only in the past forty or so years have condoms come into the picture. So excuse me if sometimes I want to be more intimate with my partner or partners. But I will say this I believe in creating a prevention plan that suits your needs. Abstinence isn't for everyone, and PrEP may not be for everyone, and condoms may just be what gets you by. But you must make that decision. Whether it means you pull out right before you bust when you fucking raw, or you cut down your sexual partners from 10 a month to two consistent partners a month. You must decide what is realistic and works for you and STOP allowing others to shame you for your actions. I believe as long as you protect yourself in some manner, do what you do and enjoy it. But think before you do it. Some people may get mad that I don't use condoms all the time because of the work I do, but get over it I'm human. But at least I created a plan for myself. Although I may be starting this drug, it doesn't mean I'm about to go sleep with everyone, it just means I want to make sure to protect myself every time I do anything.

What got me to the point of wanting to take PrEP? Because in the past I've either dated or been committed to someone who was HIV positive. I was tired of caring for that person but having to separate myself from them for fear that I may catch HIV. I had one person dump me because I was negative and he was positive and he felt so scared that he may give me it and he didn't want to live with the guilt. There should never be an excuse why I can't date anyone no matter what their status is because a person is a person, and we are all dealing with things.

I planned on getting on PrEP back in March but I chickened out. I had the HIV test done at GMAD via AHF, and it came back negative. Then I seen the doctor immediately after. But I never called to set up an appointment. But this time was different. It was July 1st and I was determined to do this. I got my HIV test as well as my STI test done. Everything came back negative, and I checked in with the doctor who gave me his card once again. I called it the next morning and made an appointment for that following Monday. I arrived at AHF bright and early in the morning to their warm staff, and they made sure I was comfy. Then I saw my doctor who explained the drug and what it's used for and what tests needed to be done to be prescribed a dose of PrEP. They drew out four viles of blood to test for HIV, Syphillis, Hep A,B,C, liver and kidney levels. I was told to check back the following Monday, so I came back to the office and found out everything came back alright. So now it's time for the prescription. People have asked isn't it expensive. Well because I'm in the know, I know what to say. If you have insurance, most insurances will pay for it. However there is a copay as usual. But even that can be waived by asking for the drug assistance program provided by Gilead, the creator of Truvada. So I walked away with a medicine that can costs upwards of $2000 a month for $0 dollars. You can't beat that at all. Please know your info before you spend any money. If you don't have insurance find places that offer PrEP and have different studies going on like Harlem United. That way you can again get the meds for free. Work smart, not hard.

So now two weeks later I have this bag in my hand and story begins....... What will the future hold with me and PrEP? Find out over the next month as I chronicle my journey taking this little blue pill.....

See ya tomorrow

Black Girls and Guys Do Rock!

So as I normally do, I scrolled down my Facebook timeline to find an article stating that because Mrs. Obama (FLOTUS) was at Black Girls Rock that she was racist. That stirred all types of anger in my soul. It made me think about numerous things, so as you read this you may be offended. But being honest I don't care because I'm only telling the truth.

Imagine being a little black girl being raised that black isn't beautiful. That the lighter you are the more beautiful you are. "You have nappy hair."  That you are beautiful if you have long flowing hair like white women. So you must perm your hair or sit in a salon all day to get weave stitched into your hair so you can look beautiful. Your natural look is not beautiful, so you must assimilate into what is beautiful. To be told your body is not beautiful, and to cover it up. The luxurious curves of your existence are said to be ugly, plump and nasty. These are some of the foolish things the black girls are told. Everything about their existence is a story of lesser than and not equal to. So to see Black women honored at a event called Black Girls Rock is amazing. Because it sets an example that all black girls rock whether you are short, tall, thick, skinny, light, or dark, you are all beautiful and you all have room for greatness. Sometimes this is the only chance to see messaging like this to encourage young black girls or women, and for our First Lady to be there is courageous and amazing, definitely not racist. She is a black woman who definitely rocks. Look at even her, most fashion critics say she is the most fashion forward First Ladies ever, yet you have others saying she looks like someone from Planet of the Apes. But it's ok to put black women down but to lift black women up , it's racist. Go figure!

In this time in our country, some say we are in a post racist era. Bullshit!!!! Every day we see black men treated just as we were in slave times, demeaned, beaten, and treated like we are lesser than. Our President haas done pretty much everything he promised to do before getting into office yet, he has been the one President that republicans have showed the most hatred and disrespect too in the last 100 years. Being totally honest, if his skin color was white we would not have as many issues about his nationality (whether he was born here or not), if The Affordable Care Act is effective and etc. literally, throughout the 20th century almost every president has tried to create a universal healthcare system. But it took a black man one year into office to get it done and of course now people are mad. Go figure. Obama has done everything to help the masses yet, mostly one group of people can't stand him because every time he says he will fix something and he does it is not of their liking. All I can say to that us have several seats.

I know this is a few weeks old but very poignant in my mind now. Shonda Rhimes cleverly recreated an episode loosely based around the incidents of Ferguson. In it was a racist cop, he said "you people are raised to see cops as the enemy, and yet I risk my life to walk a beat. That dozens of murders are blacks turning on another yet I'm the animal. "Brandon Parker is dead because he didn't have respect. Because those people out there crying over his body... Didn't teach him respect. He didn't respect me, he didn't respect my badge. Questioning my authority?! His blood is not on my hands!"

This was so profound and powerful to me because as I walk down the streets as a proud African American man I notice when I get certain stares. Or when I'm being followed or watched. I noticed when a certain persuasion of women grabbed their purse when I'm around. I've been that black man who was pulled over by police after leaving my lawyers office in my nice car, to be told get out of the car. Pushed onto my car, and being told to shut up as I tried to say let me call my lawyer. I've been that black man who was told because of the people I hang around I must be a criminal, yet you know nothing about me. When I speak intelligently and calmly you take it as a threat to your badge, yet it's me defending myself against crookedness. Historically, most mass murders are committed by almost every other race other than African Americans yet we are considered dangerous and thugs. When we walk down the street we are treated like crap, people forget the word excuse me, but we are said to be rude. Funny enough when I'm in the hood, black people are the first to say excuse me, or my fault compared to other races, but again yeah we are rude. Hmmmm! Again bull shit.

Looking at historical court cases against black individuals compared to white individuals. George Zimmerman who shot and killed a black young man was set free with no jail time yet Marissa Alexander who is a black woman shot into the air to try to break up a dispute with her husband faces twenty years in prison. Interesting how we are treated. When black people protest, we are called unruly, thugs, have no respect for the law. But after a football or basketball game when white folk tear cities up, flip cop cars over, break windows out of businesses they are said to just be kids having fun. Even looking at celebrities, Teresa and Joe Giudice got to have separate jail time to protect their family. Yet if that was a black celebrity, they would have locked them up immediately, with no care for the rest of the family and presumed guilty before ever being thought of as innocent. Something's got to give. This is the true racism, not the First Lady attending an event to uplift those who need it which is part of her job. Why must a black man or black woman be treated so unfairly when others say we are beyond that. We may be beyond it at face value yet it still plays out in the larger scheme of things.

Why must our people die by the hands of individuals that get power into their hands and don't know how to wield it. I remember having a conversation with a trainer for the Chicago police department, and he mentioned to me that those officers who have been written up or are on disciplinary action are put into the worse neighborhoods while those who are doing great in the force, who treat people with respect are put into the richer neighborhoods. Do you see what kind of situation that puts us as black men in. You send cops who hate their job and have no respect for others into areas who need help the most. People are dying every day in these neighborhoods yet the police could care less. When they do pay any attention to folk it's just to harass those not doing anything, yet gun shots are ringing right around them and they ignore it. And you wonder why we have no respect.

I know this blog post has kinda moved all over but the main premise is, why after all of these years can't we truly be beyond putting everything as racist. Why can't we just uplift each other instead of us having to be us vs them. Look at everyone the same. I know this sounds idealistic but until we do so many more lives will be shed in cold blood over ignorance, and so many individuals will never feel like their lives matter because others try to bring them down. Just remember that  #BlackLivesMatter and #BlackGuysandGirlsDoRock.

Drowning In Fresh Air

We live our lives with poker faces concealing what is deep down inside. Just because a person smiles all the time doesn't mean they are happy. A happy exterior does not equate to a happy interior. In United States an estimated 38,364 people commit suicide in a year, and of those middle aged men make up 27% of the suicide rate. I believe a lot of suicides could be prevented if we as people get over the fear of seeing a therapist. Actually I won't even say its a fear its stigma. People equate therapist with being crazy but in all actuality, everyone even kids need therapy from time to time. It's a very healthy practice.

I can speak from experience that depression is a very serious thing. I have dealt with serious bouts of depression on numerous occasions in my life. Sometimes you can tell something is wrong with me and other times you can't because I have learned how to mask a lot of my emotions. I remember times where I wanted to commit suicide, one time in particular stands out. I was visiting Philly in August of last year and I was walking, and a lot was on my mind. Most of it had to do with feeling alone in the world, although I'm connected to thousands of people I can name only a few true good friends who are really in my corner. I was in Camden and I was about to walk over to Philly, so I started walking across the Benjamin Franklin Bridge. The view was amazing although my mind was so clouded and all I could think about was if I were to jump off this bridge would anyone really care? And would the world just keep on moving like nothing even happened? I was at a certain point on the bridge and I just sat down and started crying, and in my mind I could see myself climbing onto the railing, looking around and just letting my grip of my feet go and falling straight into the chilly water below. It just kept going through my head as I sat there balling. Luckily someone was texting me while I was sitting there and they called me and talked to me and calmed me down. I continued to talk to him until I made it across the bridge. I still had tears running down my face but his voice and his words soothed my soul. Just imagine if I would have jumped I would not be here writing this right now and so many other things wouldn't have been able to happen, but I didn't and I'm still here surviving.

Don't allow others stereotypes of what therapy is to influence you away from getting seen or talking to someone. You never know what could really be going on inside, although we are good judges of our own character. Yet we still need outside help as well. Depression is a normal human emotion that can pop up at anytime but don't allow your self to stay in that state. Talk about it. Don't bottle it up it's very unhealthy and can cause so many other issues within our bodies. We would never know until we talk it out with a therapist if something that happened to you as a child may be still haunting you as an adult and it's why you act certain ways around people. Or maybe you are chronically depressed and think ohh it's just a phase. You never know but it's better to know then stay in the dark.

If more people seeked treatment or therapy I think a lot of suicide cases would not be happening. People just want to be heard and sometimes individuals feel like they have no one to talk to. When you feel totally alone in the world you want to retreat and disappear off the world and sometimes individuals take that into their own hands. I remember one of my Morehouse brothers who I didn't know directly but had conversed with him a few times on Facebook committed suicide. He was very popular across the campus and despite his popularity he dealt with many issues from his upbringing that lead him to feel powerless when his bills became overwhelming. He was facing eviction when he lost his job, his lights were going to be turned off and he couldn't take it anymore. If only he talked to someone, or someone was in his corner he could have still been here today rather than being an angel looking down upon us.

I implore everyone to just see a therapist once, I promise you that your experience will outweigh any doubt that you may have had before about therapy. I don't want to see any of you losing your life by your own hands. But I also must say I don't want to turn out to be the same, that's why from time to time I do see a therapist. At the beginning of this blog I mentioned about a smile on the outside does not equate to being happy. It's the story of my life but what really grounds me is thinking of my grandmother in heaven looking down, and I say would she approve of me doing this. Everyone should find that one thing that can pull you out of the deep end. As the title says sometimes you can drown in fresh air especially if you don't find your own life preserver. Move beyond fear and just try to break down your walls. Sometimes we build walls so high we can't even conquer them. Don't let that wall shut you out of world at hand. There are people out there paid to help you. Seek assistance, help is just one phone call away.

If you ever, or you have a friend who ever has thought of contemplating suicide, PLEASE have them call 800-273-8255. The life you save might just be your own.

I Am A Man

"I Am A Man. Be A Man. Act Like A Man. Stop Crying like a Bitch And Be A Man. Real Men Don't Cry." As a man, and specifically as a black gay man I have heard all these phrases used throughout my life. However, what is the definition of being a man and who created it? Why is it different between each culture, race, and creed? If a man and a woman are polar opposites shouldn't there be only one definition? These questions are important to think about, although the concepts do more harm then good.

I watched a YouTube video where a young black boy was getting his immunizations and his father kept saying "repeat after me, I am a man, don't cry, say it I am a man". All this being said as the nurse gives each arm a few different shots and the boys eyes are welling up with tears, and you can see he is trying to hold them back because his father continues to say "Be A man, don't cry". Although to some this video looks cute or adorable, but the message is powerful and yet dangerous. This video perpetuates that men have to be statuesque creatures that dont show emotion, dont flinch at pain, and oblivious to all situations. But this is not true at all and we set up ourselves for failure when we try to live by this.

Again, what is a man? The black church says "it's a man who lives in the word and pays his tithes, and doesn't act out in the flesh." Black culture says "you are strong, you are masculine, you don't cry or show weakness, committed to your family, you are not a sissy or a punk." So with that being said to you everyday by men and women as we grow up to be the men that we are, what damage or mind state does that place us in? Especially if we don't fit in this narrow box that our community places us in. I can speak for myself and say it taught me to hate myself, deny my hearts pursuits, it made me change who I was to please everyone else even though I wasn't fulfilled. If I feel this way and I fit in I guess to the normal guy role, then how do you think a man who is totally comfortable wearing heels feels or the guy that dresses in drag feels, or the trans man feels? Am I A Man?

The concept of I Am A Man came from the idea from slavery when individuals of power would call black men boy, this was a clarion call to rise above the term and Ask am I not a man and a brother? Then as we faced a different type of power struggle through Jim Crow as protestors at the Memphis Sanitation strikes used this same phrase but changed it to say "I Am A Man" meaning I am more than your servant, more than a boy, I have rights just like everyone else. But when this happened they didn't mean it to be used to put anyone down, it was used to lift Black Men up to the powerful Kings they should be. But now "I Am A Man" has been perverted and turned into something used to put anyone down who doesn't fit into the cookie cutter frame of what a narrow portion of society deems a man should be. 

We teach our kids to be a man but never fully describe what that means? Does it mean to be like our fathers? If so how can we do that when per capita black families usually exist with out a father figure in the equation! Our black men are locked behind bars, shot in the street for being black or walking while black, driving while black, or killing our own. Is this what a man is defined as? A thug, convict,  hustler, baby's daddy instead of a father, dead beat dad, etc! What kind of example is that? When you type black man in a Google picture search you get pictures of multiple black men but pay close attention that right under your search also notates another related search "angry black men". Why does black man and angry black man have to be related? Is this what we are teaching kids a man should be ? 

When I think of a man, he is multi dimensional and made up of many other titles such as brother, friend, lover, teacher, beautiful, strong, independent, masculine, feminine, quiet, courageous, meek, nurturing, loved, king, powerful! Those titles and descriptions describe a variety of people because a man is a complex being and shouldn't be subjugated to a small minute definition. A man who wears heels by society is an outcast, they are looked down upon yet these men are the strongest because they know who they are and are courageous enough to be themselves 100% despite everyone else's opinions. It's said to be weak to cry, yet every human has emotions and if we don't let them out we end up having heart attacks, high blood pressure, mental disorders, and can even lead to suicide. Why go through that when being a man really means to be strong in who ever you are, a tear doesn't make you weak, but being fake to please others is what really makes you weak. 

You see a man in a dress that doesn't mean they want to be a woman, it could be that's how they chose to represent themselves or maybe they like drag, either way that does not make them any less of a man. Because it takes a lot of strength to challenge what society creates as the norm. When a trans man tell you they are a man accept them for who they are, not what you want them to be. Just because you don't understand something don't judge someone and put them into your own box of understanding, ask them and educate yourself. I feel a lot of society's issues around anything is a lack of education. Imstead of asking a question, we tend to jump immediately to hating something. We rely on others words to lead us but can't question and find out things for ourselves. 

I am a man, I might wear makeup tomorrow, or cry in public thursday, but that does not negate at the end of the day that I am a man. No matter what narrow minded view you may have of a man, think beyond your box. Courage is not about being strong it's about being resilient when there is strong opposition against you. Be the man you want to be, and not the man society expects you to be. We miss out on so many opportunities because we try to be the men everyone else wants us to be not realizing our true gift in life. Continue realizing you are a man and inside of you are so many roles, definitions and titles. Don't allow yourself to be locked into one little box. You are bigger than the box, and the box could never hold all of you inside it for even one second. Say "I Am A Man"! And know a man is far greater than any Herero normative definition. Be you and continue to be Great!